I would like to leave this city
This old town don’t smell too pretty and
I can feel the warning signs running around my mind
[Oasis - ‘Half A World Away’]
I’m taking off for a while. I do this from time-to-time, start something, like the diaries and then get bored - except that I’m not bored of them, I liked doing them at first. I had people telling me that it was where they were getting their news on China. I liked that, although I never wanted to be a correspondent. But China got to me. It became annoying and I became grumpy. With all I’ve been blessed with I am the last person who should be grumpy but I’m getting there. Why? I think because I’m not happy here, but kept convincing myself that through my projects and cush lifestyle that it was all worth it…but it isn’t. Nothing is worth your joyness (that’s for you JJones). So I’m leaving. I mean, I would have had to leave the country anyway to get another visa, the same visa that they’re denying 1/2 of my friends here and thus, forcing them to leave. I might not have gotten one, as the show got me in a little trouble. Which would mean I’m on ‘the list’. Meaning it would be hard to get back in and I’ve got quite a bit going on mid-Sept on. I’ll come back and do my little projects and leave again which is what I should be doing anyway. A little bit of this and a little bit of that. So I’m off. In 2 weeks. I fly into Bangkok and from there will try and get into Burma and then all down and through the parts of SE Asia I haven’t seen ending up in Indonesia. That’s the plan at least. Thank God I have a copy-writing and producing gig I can do from the road or I’d be f*cked. I’m lucky, see. Blessed. No reason to be grumpy. I’ll be gone for about 3 months, so will try and post when I can.
I had 2 interesting experiences tonight, all within 10 minutes of eachother.
After finishing my ’set’, I sat down with my friend Brad and had a few whiskeys - whilst there, his girlfriend showed up and I sat next to them while they did what happy couples do, drank and touched in only the way that people who know eachother, as well as their faults, can do. That’s what I miss, someone who will still lean on my shoulder knowing all the bad sides of me. It’s not the mind-blowing sex, not the baths, not the Sunday’s in with Otis Redding and ingredients to some Southern comfort food, it’s, as I blogged about half-a-year ago, that ‘look of love’, patience, understanding, pure and unbridled acceptance.
Then, my friend Elise came and sat on the other side. We talked about love and how hard this town is on relationships, and through simply bullshitting, we both came to the realization of why it’s so difficult here is that most show up looking for independence, and even though they might enter a relationship, always have the ‘he’s leaving at some point and so am I’ mentality in the back of their mind. So we really don’t want a relationship meaning we look for it in small amounts from large groups of people - which is also dangerous.
Shanghai’s a parody and only those wise enough escape without becoming one them self.
Maybe I listen to too much Motown. Maybe I’m lonely. Maybe, I’m okay with both of those.
In the immortal words of Bob Schneider - ‘I’m good now’…kind of.
As any can tell from the mood [and lack of] my posts, I was down/blue and seriously wondering if I was depressed. Funny how one tends to look at all of the outside influences, those to easily blame when it’s actually a simple answer of responsibility. I wanted to look to previous gf’s, or friends that disappointed, or lack of work, which didn’t help.
Each ex-memory was met with a drink.
My own infidelity fixed with a lay.
What I couldn’t swallow was met with another pill.
And chain-smoked the rest away.
…okay, okay, it wasn’t originally supposed to rhyme, but I changed up that last one to make it catchy - good signs, right?
Work is coming, I accidentally met someone nice, Scott made me get up this morning and go to the gym and I actually took time to listen to Otis Redding whilst the sun went down and didn’t send one single SMS for an entire album.
I’m not all better, but at least have an idea of why.
I’ve been working on my press kit for the past few month - stalling, more like it…anyway, my friend Eve did this for me, and I love it…the logo, that is, not the thought of having a true business here.
I go back and forth if I really want to go through all the process when I’m not even sure if I’ll be here in a few months.
Is ’sub-conscious lethargy’ even a diagnosis?
I might just be depressed - now that’s something I thought I’d never say.
…should tell you that I had a shit day - one of the shittiest days I’ve had in a long time. I woke up to some Chinese TV station stealing our cable for internet so they could broadcast in real time, the show they were filming and breaking my FTP that needed to be done today or I shell out for Fed Ex to The States. Called my director who didn’t think to check for the studio lights last night leaving us f*cked unless we found them (read: I had to scramble to try to find some). It suddenly got unbelievably muggy here. I also felt like I got betrayed and while I’m sure it’s not the case, the feeling’s still there. A production I tried hard to make a good impression with on the first go was a cluster-fuck. I’m lonely. I miss my ex and wish for the past but am scared to take her through that again. This town is wearing on me although it’s purely my choice to indulge. I’m paranoid. I’m indebted to someone I speak ill of. I got to deliver a large load by myself. It started raining heavily while waiting on a cab. The person I looked forward to sitting down canceled and while I know it’s not the case, I felt abandoned. It’s weird back up here now which sucks and has never happened. My cameraman gave me the wrong file for another film that was due tomorrow. McDonald’s messed up my order and the delivery guy refused to not wait on my terrace while he stared at me working. The other film’s VOX is in there and I don’t want to go right now. I’m broke - again. I lost faith in people that had it most from me…and I’m tired.
