I went walking today after she left, tummy.

right into the middle of it all.

I usually don’t like the middle of it all,

but today, well, I needed to.

is it strange to say I’m so fallen I needed to see the beautiful people?

I did.

I went out walking to find the beautiful people.

it’s scary, falling.

it’s disturbing, when you openly refuse to reach out and grab something on the way.

maybe I want to go down.

maybe falling is what needs to happen.

maybe the landing is what needs to happen.

one-two-three and four

it was good to see them, the beautiful people

the beautiful girls

they reminded me that I’ll be okay – that we’ll be okay, tummy.

eventually.

they reminded me that there’s always more

always another.

we’re decent, aren’t we tummy? strong-sevens at least.

five-six-seven

fuck you, timing

I don’t know why this happened

and I don’t know why other things happened

and a few times, sure, I tried to talk myself out of it.

I might have told her why…

I’m sure I did.

it’s something new each week.

I’m very good at that.

eight and nine

all of this

all of the how’s??

will shortly turn into why’s???

I know you’re hurting already, tummy.

me too.

and

I don’t like it.

ten-eleven-twe… okay, ten and eleven

she offered me some peanut butter and banana toast this morning

I had to say ‘no’

because you hurt, didn’t you tummy.

you’re counting down

down to the day when it’s too big for you.

and then you’ll push it out above.

to heart

and to throat

and I don’t like it one bit.

so I need the beautiful people to remind me

twelve.

there.

I found twelve – eleven plus one.

a dozen.

that was just in a few hours.

see, there are lots of beautiful people, tummy

you don’t have to go up and tell the others

we’ll be fine.

they were beautiful.

good-looking.

a few were really good-looking.

but…

well.

fuck.

let’s be honest, tummy.

[you-and-me here. honest-engine. I won't tell her if you don't, okay? she needs to think that we're strong]

honestly.

fine.

no.

I mean – yes.

but no.

one didn’t have a smile that breaks me.

and the other one, well, you know I don’t like blondes.

caught a glimpse of five’s legs – no, thanks.

fuck.

they were all beautiful - I promise.

I think.

but none were her.

I bet none had her touch.

I’m sure none had her shoulders.

and I’m certain none had her dance…

the dance she does to her hip-hop music.

the dance she did last night.

I wonder if she thought I was coughing,

when I put my hand up to hide my face

I just didn’t want her to see how much I was laughing

I didn’t want her look inside me.

and I certainly didn’t want her to see you, tummy.

zero.