“And the point is to live everything….live the questions now.”

I’m a really stubborn somebody.  It’s done me both harm and good.  I have come to a place in my adulthood where I understand how stubborn-for-nothing but its own sake and satisfaction can only hold you back in life.  When your mother says to you, “You have to pick and choose your battles in life”, listen to her.  She’s talking about conserving energy for doing good in life, like taking care of yourself, looking out for people who care about you and lending your abundant strength to those who may need a hand up.

You don’t have to stomp around like a petulant child, either.  In fact, it’s ill-advised behavior at any age, in my opinion.  Standing your ground is alright.  Facing up to what needs to be done and dealing with what life has handed you in a timely fashion are both activities that I highly endorse.

I guess you could say that I have had a delayed adulthood. Sure, I acted forty when I was fifteen, but that was all going on inside my head.  We all think we know what’s going on in our teens and then we secretly begin to suspect in our twenties that we really don’t have a clue.

And I guess you could also say that I have given myself an awfully wide berth when it comes to figuring out exactly who I am and what I want out of life.  I got married, but that didn’t suit me, so I bailed.  I’ve never owned a house because the idea of a mortgage looks exactly like a fat noose around my neck in my head.  The closest I’ve ever gotten to allowing myself to being pinned down in any way was owning a cat.  You get the idea.

Five years ago when I quit my career (horticulture), sold off my worldy goods (including an amazing orchid collection I had been nursing for years), left the loft apartment of my dreams (twenty foot ceilings and all windows), I wasn’t sure what I was doing. I knew nothing of my new adopted homeland (Turkey) at the time and had no idea what sort of life I had signed on for.  I went in blind, as per usual, “all balls”, which is just my ninja style.

What I never could have imagined was that I would be walking out of this country with the most precious gift imaginable.  Something that I was beginning to fear might be unattainable for me: a solid sense of self, a confidence in myself that is rock solid, and mostly, the belief that no matter where I might find myself in life, I will make the best of it. I go home knowing that I can brave any storm and come out with plenty of tales to tell to boot.

This was something that I needed so very much to progress in life.  This was something that I needed in order to properly take care of myself.  I will always have Turkey to thank for that and so we part on the fondest of terms.  The friendships I have forged here have also done their part in this fundamnetal shaping of Kick Ass Tara (that’s my new super hero name, by the way.  Catchy, no?).

I’d just like to close this with a poem by my favorite poets of all poets, Rainer Maria Rilke:

Be patient toward all that is unresolved in your heart & try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms & like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given to you… And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually live along some distant day into the answer.

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Colin Hay – Waiting For My Real Life To Begin

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[Tara Noble]