Full Disclosure – I’m drunk. And if you don’t believe me, I’ll take a screenshot of John Mayer’s ‘Free Fallin’ (Live) cover that I’m downloading.
Call it being 32, call it my 2 big projects falling through, both in the past 3 days, call it what you want – but something ran through my mind while Tim and I took our chairs from the Bocce court we spent an hour on and pulled them to the waterfront.
‘When do you think you’ll die?’
‘I don’t know’.
But something about the lifestyle that both manifested itself and got there with a little help makes one wonder. I’m 32. And have less than $300 to my name. No desire to do anything that’s not chosen and while that might seem incredibly romantic, it’s hard sometimes. I live with friends on their bus, I fly to Europe on a friend’s tab – all of these experiences have a possesive before them and it’s not mine.
‘Free-loading’.
Don’t act like that phrase hasn’t crossed your mind because it does mine everyday. When I contributed most is when I was in a place I hated. But now all of my stories should be a ghost-write or come with some introductionary explanation that I’m only here out of goodwill from people I’m close with.
‘And there in lies the rub’, writes The Bard – but at least he could afford rent.
So, I’m troubled – if you can’t tell that already.
‘Live. Love. Learn. Leave a Legacy’ – these were the words my father repeated to me during my travels. But does batting .725 count? The ‘live’ comes in not bowing to pride when friends who own a bus invite me, the ‘learn’ comes from the constant revaluation of my own fuck-ups. Do I ‘love’? Yes – my friends and family. But what about the big one? Each new day presents a new reminder that the one I thought I would might never be. Which leaves ‘legacy’ – a pissed-off vlog about my life in China and a book about the 6 months I spent afterwards? Hardly think that’s going to change anything…or anyone.
I keep going back to this girl’s blog – as if someone gives a shit. I had an email from someone who says she does, and I believe her – but this is hardly riveting stuff. Would I ever be thanked in the inside cover of an album? No. I wouldn’t. I’ll just be invited to the release party.
Wait – I’m not down on myself. I’m not. I guess this is just the poor equivalent of buying a Corvette.
And I just don’t know.
)
And the weight of many different tiny tugs (socializations, stories, movies, interactions) comes and visits us all sometimes. This my friend is the devil (i.e. the other face of god), the enigma, the lifeblood of the muse. It sucks and life would suck without it. Surf it – what you are feeling is both real and imagined – only time will tell you which.
And always remember – you are loved.
Keep up Aric, althought I don’t understand half of what you’re writing (I’m not American) but I still find it funny, interesting, original…
I think I understood that you were pretty bored about making video onyour life, but for me something like a bus dairy would be worth watching.
Good luck & CHEERS!